Reasons Not to Please Everyone

Successful people realize that just because someone is unhappy with them does not require that they give up their purpose, fold their cards, or change. They realize that making some people unhappy is just part of the deal, and they keep going. When we accept that every decision divides, we quit trying to do the impossible, i.e., pleasing everyone, and we begin making the right choices, knowing that our choices will divide.

Psychological research and experience tell us that people-pleasing is not a formula for success or happiness. Happy people do not compare themselves to others or overly concern themselves with others’ opinions of them. They are directed from the inside–their personal values and convictions and staying true to themselves is an inner compass they will not violate. Research shows that people with intrinsic motivations–motivations that come from their own hearts–are the successful ones.

This does not mean that successful people ignore correction and input from others. Far from it. The most internally directed people are the most open to feedback. Why? Because they do not fear it. They welcome it and use it to become better directed–internally. When it is good, they make the feedback part of them, which way different from trying to live up to the expectations of others. As they make changes based on feedback, they are not trying to please the ones who provided the feedback; they are trying to become better versions of themselves.

Reasons Not to Please Everyone

There are so many reasons not to please everyone that it is hard to list them all. Seeking others’ approval steals time, energy, and focus.

You Would Have to Be Multiple People

If you were able to make everyone like you, by definition, you would have to be more than one person! You would need to be one person with one group to meet their expectations and another person to meet another group’s expectations. If you try to keep parents, friends, church members, and everyone else always liking you and approving of everything you do, you will have to be several contradictory people living in one body! This is the definition of a duplicitous person and the epitome of what psychologists call a lack of identity. It leads to all sorts of emotional, relational, and psychological problems.

You Would Make the Wrong People Happy

And worse than that, if you are making everyone happy, you are also making some of the wrong people happy! You’ll be trying to please people who are judgemental or controlling or arrogant, people who require others to do what they want them to do before they extend approval. So, to keep hurtful people happy, you must do some things that are not good in the long run. You have to make some bad choices to keep these people smiling.

For example, if someone in your group is self-centered or controlling, that person will only be happy when you make decisions that meet her individual interests or agenda. But when you need to decide to do something that is best for the entire group, that person will be unhappy if she does not get what she wants. So if your goal is to keep her happy, you must make decisions that are not good for the group.