A Quick Idea for Improving the Quality of Your Life and Relationships

Sep 13, 2019

So, here is a thought for you. I want you to ask yourself a question.
What percentage of the time are you being yourself, expressing yourself and totally present vs. evaluating yourself? You know what I mean … that inner dialogue of, "How and I doing? What are they thinking? Is this going to work?

How is it coming across? Will this fail? Are they mad at me for saying this? Will someone not like this? Is what I am saying lame?" Etc., etc., etc. There is literally no end to how many versions there are of the exact same thing: not being in our experience, and being all of who we are because we are too busy evaluating ourselves.

Self-evaluation is good. We need it. It is what distinguishes us from, say, German Shepherds, who never ask, "I wonder if I am barking too loud and keeping people awake?" (Wouldn't that be something?) But, self-evaluation should be in service of doing better, a time set aside to get feedback and self-correct, and yes, sometimes that is while we are doing it. For example, if you are driving and notice that you are drifting into oncoming traffic, for sure evaluate that and self-correct!

BUT you can also paralyze yourself and not be able to drive by wondering how you are doing every single second. That is not in service of doing better, but instead, it makes you drive worse. Instead, you should be totally in the experience itself, noticing traffic, speed, the flow of things. Then you are really being yourself and performing to your utmost.

Today, just as an experiment, throw off all concerns about how you are doing, looking, sounding or coming across, and in every interaction or activity, just "be there." Be IN it. Express what you are thinking, feeling, or want to do. Then, evaluate it later. But don't split yourself into two people in the present — you and the judge. Just be YOU!

People in your relationships will really enjoy this....you will be more present and there, and they will be able to feel it.

Need a safe place to relate to others about this topic? Join one of Dr. Henry Cloud's Boundaries Peer Groups. 

Boundaries in Marriage
Boundaries with Codependency
Boundaries in Dating
Boundaries with Parents
Boundaries with Adult Children
Boundaries After Divorce
Boundaries with Narcissists
Boundaries with Kids and Teens
Boundaries in Church