Why You're Not Getting What You Want From Relationships

Uncategorized Apr 03, 2019

When I have talked to individuals who are not finding what they want, or who are settling for what they don’t want, there is a common theme: they are trying to fill something inside them with that relationship. There is some sort of loneliness or a need to find validation of themselves—or even meaning—in a relationship with a guy. Many women give men way too much power to prove to themselves that they are lovable and desirable and even to make life worth living. They feel as if life is somehow not complete if they are not in a relationship with a guy.

When this happens, it makes letting go of someone, or not getting involved with someone, more difficult. The mantra seems to be that a notso-good relationship is better than no relationship at all. But are those the only options?

The answer is that people who attract the best partners, and who pick the best partners, are those whose lives are complete without being in a serious relationship. “Aw, come on,” you might be saying. “What a killjoy!” No, I don’t mean to be, as I want a good significant relationship for you as well. That is a wonderful thing to be in. But the truth is that if you need it to be happy or to be complete, then you are not ready for one. Only a person who does not need the other person to be whole is whole enough to make a relationship work and to attract a truly whole person also. So make sure of a few things:

• Make sure that you are in a good, closeknit group of friends, male and female, so that all your relational needs are being met. If this is true, you have intimacy, connectedness, and support and you are not lonely at all. You will not be so needy that you “can’t live without them,” if they are not the right one. You will be perfectly happy in your community. 

• Make sure that you are growing spiritually. Many times people try to fill a spiritual vacuum with a romantic attachment. Since romance itself is something of a transcendent experience, it can masquerade as having the ability to fill parts of your heart and soul that only be fulfilled by your Creator.

• Make sure that you are growing as a person and doing fulfilling things. Often someone dates poorly because life feels empty. They try to fill an empty life with a person, trying to gain meaning from a relationship, when the real problem is a real lack of purpose and fulfillment. Find out what your talents and gifts are and develop them. Step out and grow in new areas and activities, and find your real passion and pursue it. When your life is full with purpose and with pursuing the gifts that have been given to you, you won’t ask romance to fill an empty life. You will be so busy and fulfilled that it is going to take a really special person to get you to make room for them in your wonderful life!

 

Need a safe place to relate to others about this topic? Join one of Dr. Henry Cloud's Boundaries Peer Groups. 

Boundaries in Marriage
Boundaries with Codependency
Boundaries in Dating
 
Boundaries with Parents
Boundaries with Adult Children
Boundaries After Divorce
Boundaries with Narcissists
Boundaries with Kids and Teens
Boundaries in Church

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