After more than 20 years in the profession of helping people, I have come to understand something: we cause much of our pain by the people we choose. And just to note here, I'm not talking about situations of abuse. Abuse is never, ever your fault.
In every kind of clinical issue that...
Becoming an adult is a process of taking on more and more power and responsibility as we become old enough to handle them. Adults identify with the adult role enough to be able to do grown-up things without conflict, including developing a career, engaging in sexuality, establishing mutual...
Negative thoughts have power. Everyone has them, but you don’t have to grab them and treat them like reality when they come into your mind. One of the most researched and proven techniques of changing moods is to dispute your negative thinking with the truth, and in this call from The Dr....
One of the most important boundaries that people have to establish is against the tendency to put off changes that they know need to be made. If you think about it, much “waiting” and putting off changes has nothing to do with “getting more information,” or “waiting...
Holly was one of the angriest women I had ever seen in my office. She was angry at her family’s excessive expectations of her. Her mother expected her to call her every week and to accompany her on shopping trips. If there was a family function, Holly had to be there. Her father expected...
Can you please do something for me? Would it be ok if I asked you for some of your time, your money, your energy? Would you mind making a sacrifice so that I could avoid having to do something that I am perfectly capable of doing myself?
If you're anything like me, you want to say...
Recently I was discussing personnel issues with a CEO. I asked him why he thought those problems were there. He talked about some reasons, most of which had to do with the various players involved, and also the “constellations” of a few teams. But then I asked him a simple question....
I remember one woman whose mother would almost beg to babysit her children and then gripe about the inconvenience for weeks to come. She could not acknowledge that she had chosen to take care of the kids, and her daughter had not "made" her do it.
We negate that we have choices about how we spend...
Recently a woman asked, “How can I confront my mom to open up and be more involved in my life?”
“Well, have you asked her?” I responded.
“Sure! I told her that it would be nice if she asked me how my life was going, but she still didn’t do anything.”
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Micah had taken an overdose of drugs. At 24, he had dropped out of school and was living at home. Since his parents were “good Christians,” his behavior was very upsetting to them. It tarnished their image to their group of friends, so they brought him to therapy.
As Micah and I began...
To some extent, we’re all guilty of people-pleasing, some more than others. But there are so many reasons not to please everyone that it would be difficult to list them all here. Seeking others’ approval steals time, energy and focus, and even if you did make everyone happy,...
What do boundaries for leaders look like at work? They are made up of two essential things: what you create and what you allow. A “boundary” is a property line. It defines where your property begins and ends. If you think about your home, on your property, you can...
