Recover Well From Divorce

Uncategorized Sep 23, 2020

Hey, everyone .... I wanted to let you know about something special that we’ve been working on for a group of people that we really want to serve well.

It’s a 2-hour long, live, online coaching session and Q&A where I’m going to walk you through the essential information and action steps you need in order to make the best recovery from your divorce. 

Reserve your spot now by pre-registering here. Don’t miss out.

Divorce is one of the most traumatic things that can happen in life. It can knock you off course and leave scars that can take a lifetime to heal. 

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I can help you learn how to gain the strength, healing, skills and resilience that can prepare you for the rest of your life. You can also discover how to use what you learned in your marriage, and the end of your marriage, as a source of wisdom that will fuel the rebuilding of a better, stronger, more confident You.

You can attain both the...

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Get Daily Coaching From Dr. Henry Cloud

Uncategorized Sep 22, 2020

If you've been tuning in to The Dr. Cloud Show, you've heard me talk about building a herd immunity against dysfunction, and what I mean by that is I'm passionate about creating a community of people who are committed to learning and growing and experiencing the fruits of life by doing the hard stuff in the present that reaps great rewards in the future.

For instance -- How much is fear driving your life right now? How many decisions are you making based out of the fear of disappointing someone because they don't hear your "no"? It's so easy to say, "Well, just set a boundary and be done!" We know that there's a lot of courageous work that goes into that. 

About a week ago I started a new segment inside of Boundaries.Me called "One Thing," and it's literally just one thing on my mind that I say in a video message delivered to you. Each little segment takes just a minute or two to watch, and each video has a comment section where members of the community are encouraging and...

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Why You End Up Giving More Than You're Comfortable With

Uncategorized Sep 19, 2020

Megan was a sweet woman that I worked with in another setting many years ago. I walked into her office one day and asked how she was doing. Immediately her eyes welled up with tears, and she began crying. At first she tried to hide it, but then she spilled her guts. She was feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work that she had to do, fearing that she would never get it all done.

Although I was not her direct supervisor, I knew what her responsibilities were and it did not seem to me that they were past her abilities. I could not understand the reason why she was cracking. So, I told her that. Then she revealed more. It was not her work that was killing her, it was the work of one of her co-workers. It seemed that this person was always asking her for little favors, “could you drop this project off for me?” or “can you finish these proofs for me and get them to the printer’s?” And being the “sweet Megan” that she was, she always said...

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The Good Traits to Look For in Others

Uncategorized Sep 19, 2020

New and unfamiliar situations tend to make us feel anxious. The tense part of a business deal just before the pens come out. The exposed vulnerability of doing something for the first time, or doing something that could easily go sideways unless all the pieces fall exactly the right way. Anxiety is the brain’s natural reaction to these experiences. It activates a fear response that’s meant to shield us from risking our well being.

The first thing most of us do is look to others to confirm or disaffirm our perception of the facts. Is anyone else sweating this like I am? What we expect to find is that everyone else is as hesitant and unsure as we are, but what we’re really looking for is that person who will make us feel like everything is going to be OK.

I don’t mean OK in the sense that everything will turn out perfectly, or even good. I mean OK in the sense that a person gives you a feeling that everything that can be done has been done. You’re...

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Saying No is Enough — You Don’t Have to Justify It

Uncategorized Sep 19, 2020

Psychologists spend an enormous amount of energy building psychological tests, assessments and the like, and then administering them to people to help them understand themselves. This practice is very helpful in many settings, from work, to education, to couples and individuals. Insight into ourselves and others is really helpful for a number of reasons. I believe in good, validated testing.

But one of the best tests for our psychological well being, the tenor of the family or work culture we live in, and the health of our relationships, is free and can be self-administered. All you have to do is monitor the internal response you have when you want to say the word “no.”

Let’s start with ourselves. What happens when someone you love, someone you want to please or maybe even someone whose anger or frustration you fear, wants you to do something that you do not want to do? I do not mean the kind of need or desire that will call for sacrifice, effort or even discomfort...

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3 Types of People Who Are Sabotaging Your Life

Uncategorized Sep 18, 2020

When you need to execute an ending of some sort, there will be people in your circle who will try to fight it or slow it down, because even if you aren’t paranoid, it doesn’t mean that someone isn’t out to get you or sabotage you. You have to be ready for that to occur, recognize it as inevitable and deal with it. Otherwise, other people will be in control of your life and decisions.

External resistances are those that come from other people. Their challenges and questions are not the helpful kind that a good confidante might provide. Sometimes the people in our business and personal lives actually stop or hinder us from making decisions they believe are not good for us. Right or wrong, they are acting out of what they believe are our best interests. That’s not the kind of resistance I’m referring to here. I’m referring to resistance from people who have ulterior, self-protective or self-interested motives.

Self-Absorbed Resisters

People will put...

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9 Traits of a Healthy Friendship

Uncategorized Sep 12, 2020

I received a message from an answering service one evening, and it told me that one of my clients was suicidal. I called Theresa on the phone. She was distraught.

“Tell me what happened,” I said.

“It’s not going to work, “ Theresa replied, sobbing.

“What isn’t going to work?”

“Telling other people about my problems,” she said. “I was talking to one of my friends tonight and told them about my depression and the problems with my boyfriend, and she really came down on me for being depressed and all the other stuff that’s been going on.”

“What was said?”

“Well, she said that I shouldn’t feel the way that I do, and that if I was still having all these problems, then I was filled with too much negativity and that I bring everything on myself. I’ve tried all this ‘safe relationship’ stuff, and I’ve shared my feelings, and it just doesn’t work.”


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How to Evaluate the Quality of Your Friendships

Uncategorized Sep 10, 2020

What friendships or other relationships take up a lot of time, but in reality are not the kinds of friendships you desire? I am not saying that all of your relationships should be deep and meaningful. You need some dysfunctional friends. They can be some of your favorite people, although they might not be the ones you call in the dark night of the soul. We all need some wacky friends. We love them, and they provide most of the comedy. But two dynamics come into play in figuring out with whom you spend your time.

First, are you spending appropriate time for the level of relationship that exists? If you have so many surface friendships that you do not have time to give to the ones that you would consider close, that might be a problem. It would be like spending as much time with all the kids in the neighborhood as you do with your own. The ones most in your heart should get the most time, and sometimes we do not allocate time well to our circle of friends. If there are people you...

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Prevent Your Emotions From Clouding Your Judgment

Uncategorized Sep 09, 2020

When something significant happens, our emotional state can change. And when we keep our eyes on the "little picture" - the right now - our emotions can change in a negative way.

Take the stock market crash. Because it affected people's real lives - their retirement balances, college funds, savings, and other assets - they went into emotional overload. Their financial security was threatened.

When we go into overload, the part of the brain that kicks in to protect us puts us into a state of "flight or fight." We want to react, push against, or get away. We feel angry, fearful, aggressive, anxious, or consumed with self-loathing. When we or someone we know feels like this, we see that emotions overtake judgment, motivation, and every other aspect of functioning.

Besides feeling these reactive emotions, we can also lose hope. Everything begins to feel "bad" and like it won't ever get better. We experience the emotional reactions that researchers such as Martin Seligman have labeled...

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Say No. Set Boundaries. Feel Better.

Uncategorized Sep 06, 2020

Jenna used to believe that she would never learn how to say no and make it stick. But, as she sat at her kitchen table with a teacup in hand, she felt amazed. It was an unfamiliar sensation, but a pleasant one. Her mind wandered back to the events of the morning.

Her 13-year-old son, Bryan, had begun the day with his usual waking-up shenanigans. He sulked and pouted his way to the breakfast table, announcing, “I’m not going to school — and no one’s going to make me!”

Normally Jenna would have either tried to talk Bryan into attending school, or blown up at him in frustration. However, this morning was different. Jenna simply said, “You’re right, Honey. No one can make you go to school. That has to be something you choose to do. However, if you don’t choose to go to school, you are choosing to stay in your room all day with no phone, no TV and no electronics. But that’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself. What are...

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