I have long been an advocate for the role of pain and suffering in growth. It's not a masochistic approach, for I truly hate "pain for pain's sake." And besides, not all pain produces growth. Some pain is just useless suffering and produces nothing helpful at all. I hate it when I see people putting...
There's so much research that tells us material things do not bring us happiness. When I look at all of the scientific research on happiness and thriving, and I looked at what all the studies have found in the last decade or more, it's amazing. There are ways of living that make you happy whether yo...
In a group I was leading once, a man held the floor for some time. He’d go off on tangents, change the subject and spend inordinate amounts of time on irrelevant details.
(I promise it wasn’t me this time.)
He couldn’t seem to get to the point. Other members were spacing out, dozing off or becomin...
After 30 years in the profession of helping people, I have come to understand something: we cause much of our pain by the people we choose. In every kind of clinical issue that psychologists deal with, relationships are a big part of the picture in some way.


(Now, I'm not saying that victims of abu...
There is truth to the idea that we appreciate things that don’t come too easily, but at the same time, things have to be achievable. Good restaurants generally require a reservation’ you just cannot walk in. Why? Because they don’t allow it? No, that’s not why. Rather, because they have a lot of oth...
I was talking to a young man one day about his girlfriend. He was thinking about taking the next step in their relationship, and he had questions. Several times during the conversation, he said that something she did or something about the relationship did not “make him happy.” It was clear that thi...
Are you in some type of relationship (it could be personal or work-related) where you are trying to get someone to be or do something different? But that person isn’t listening, or doesn’t desire to change, or doesn’t want what you want for him or her?
If so ... it’s time to wake up and realize tha...
It felt like I was at Wimbledon watching a tennis match, but instead of a tennis ball that was flying back and forth, it was blame. In tennis, players hit the ball back and forth over the net. In this counseling session with Jeremy and Rachel, one would blame the other, and before the shot ever land...
My daughters and I recall with laughter the game that we began years ago to combat blaming and excusing in our house. It did not begin with a case of “The dog hate my homework,” but with a dad (me) who was about ready to catch his hair on fire if he heard one more “But she ...” as an excuse by one o...
In the last 30 years or so, we have seen a big swing in the way that Christians look at anger. Back then, it was almost all seen as sin. And, there are a lot of verses that tell us about the danger of anger, for it can be a very destructive emotion. As Proverbs 27:4 says, “Anger is cruel and fury ov...
Psychologists spend an enormous amount of energy building psychological tests, assessments, and the like, and then administering them to people to help them understand themselves. This practice is very helpful in many settings, from work, to education, to couples and individuals. Insight into oursel...
Any good confrontation takes into account that two people are involved. This sounds obvious, but it really isn’t, and it is an essential part of an effective boundary conversation.
One reason you have a problem in the first place is that you and the person you want to confront are not of one mind; ...
