When Fear Actually Hurts You

Uncategorized Apr 19, 2020

Just as there are smart and dumb risks, there are also helpful and useless fears. Like any emotion, fear serves as a signal to us. It alerts us to potentially dangerous situations and prepares us to take proactive action. That is why there are physiological components to fear: increased heart rate, adrenal surges, and muscle tension. These responses prepare us for a flight from harm. So, fear is helpful when there is a truly dangerous situation ahead of us, and when we need to take evasive action.

At the same time, some fears are useless to us and keep us from the risks we need to take. These usual fears are not about reality, but more about misperceptions and distortions we have in our heads. We need to learn to pay attention to the one and get rid of the other.

For example, I love rock music, and used to play in a band when I was a student. When I grew up and started working, I figured that my playing days were over, and I resigned myself to being a listener, not a performer. One...

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How to Handle Those Who Get Angry at Your Boundaries

Uncategorized Apr 14, 2020

When you establish a new boundary with someone, the most common form of resistance is anger. People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves.

I'm going to give you six steps to consider when someone responds to your boundaries with anger:

1. Realize that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem.

2. View anger realistically. Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot “get inside” you unless you allow it. Let the anger be in the other person.

3. Do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves.

4. Make sure you have your support system in place. If you are going to set some limits with a person who has controlled you with anger, talk to the people...

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How to Practice Boundaries with Yourself

Uncategorized Apr 08, 2020

If social distancing has you feeling inclined to over-indulge in a particular vice, a little mindfulness and setting a boundary can go a long way right now. Once you have identified your boundary problem and owned it, you can do something about it. Here are some ways to begin practicing setting boundaries on yourself.

Address your real need. Often, out-of-control patterns disguise a need for something else. You need to address the underlying need before you can deal with the out-of-control behavior. For example, impulsive eaters may discover that food is a way to stay separate and safe from romantic and sexual intimacy. Their fear of being faced with those kinds of emotionally laden situations may cause them to use food as a boundary. As their internal boundaries with the opposite sex become firmer, they can give up their destructive food boundary. They learn to ask for help for the real problem – not just for the symptomatic problem.

Allow yourself to fail. Addressing...

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The Boundaries.Me Podcast: Dr. Dan Allender - The Clarity of Your Calling

podcast Apr 07, 2020

In this episode of Dr. Cloud's Boundaries.Me podcast, Dr. Dan Allender tells the story of how clarity around what he's uniquely meant to do in this world helped him naturally form boundaries.

When we know our calling, it gives us clarity as to why we're doing what we're doing. Forming boundaries can start in many different ways, but getting clear about your motives is a very natural way to form your first boundary. It helps you know what you'll do and won't do, what you'll say and won't say. A good sign of a healthy boundary is that it lets us learn and take in new information. It teaches us that every yes is no, and every no a yes that can either can keep us in tune with our calling, or detract us from it.


Guest Links

The Allender Center

The Allender Center podcast.

Leading with a Limp

Story Sage online course 


Boundaries.Me Courses Related to this Episode

Addressing Your Spiritual Needs  


How to Subscribe to the Boundaries.Me Podcast
 ...

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People Who Try to Control You with Their Feelings Are Immature

Uncategorized Apr 06, 2020

Jim came into therapy because of his inability to get things done at home. He said, “I am irresponsible, and my wife is very displeased with me. I can’t seem to follow through on anything.”

“What sorts of things don’t you follow through on?” I asked.

“Well, Jean wants me to rake the yard, plant a flower garden, fix the patio, remodel the kitchen, take the kids to the movies, make more money ... .”

The list went on and on. “Did you promise to do all those things?”

I asked, when Jim paused to take a breath.

“Yes.”

“Do you want to do all those things?” I asked.

“Not really, but I have to,” he replied.

“What do you mean, ‘You have to?’” I asked further.

“Well, if I don’t, Jean will get mad and say that I don’t love her.”

I was beginning to get the picture. “You mean that you promise to do anything Jean wants? How in the world can you make...

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5 Reasons to Give Yourself Permission to Ask For Help

Uncategorized Apr 04, 2020

Sometimes we struggle to ask for help. You may be the person everyone runs to for help, or maybe you feel like you would be a burden to someone. Let’s talk about the ways that make it ok for us to seek help from others.

Here are a few of the reasons asking is helpful for us:

  1. When we ask, we develop humility. To request help or support from another destroys any illusions of self-sufficiency we might harbor. Asking helps us remember that we are incomplete, that we are needy, and that we are to seek outside of ourselves to take in what we need. This creates the position of humility in us, which opens us up not only to others and our Creator.
  2. When we ask, we are owning our needs. Asking for love, comfort, or understanding is a transaction between two people. You are saying to the other: “I have a need. It’s not your problem. It’s not your responsibility. You don’t have to respond. But I’d like something from you.” This frees the...
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Understanding PTSD and Our Military

Uncategorized Apr 02, 2020

I will never forget the day that I was almost taken out by a U.S. Marine. I was a little kid working in a boat dealership when I walked into the shop one day and said, “Hey Tommy, have you seen that spare tire for the trailer?” When I did, I startled Tommy, a Viet Nam vet, and he immediately grabbed a shovel, spun around and started swinging at everything in sight, including me. I dived for cover and was hiding behind a fishing boat when he just “snapped out of it,” and was suddenly himself again. I had no clue what had just happened, but it was terrifying. Tommy told me later that he had the “jitters,” as he put it, since he had returned home from the war. 

Now, as a psychologist, I understand more. PTSD and other scars of war are real, and life-altering. What Tommy was experiencing then we have much more knowledge of now. We know what causes it and we know how to treat it. But there are...

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Why Isolation is So Toxic to You and How to Find Healthy Relationships

Uncategorized Apr 02, 2020

Whether it’s maintaining personal health, thriving in a certain situation, reaching goals or organizational performance, fulfillment requires our reliance on the “others” in our circle. We need them. And our outcomes greatly depend on the quality of how those relationships are working.There are basically four possibilities when it comes to the kinds of relational connections we have in our lives, both personally and professionally. Drawing them into a rectangle, this model forms four corners. The first corner is what I call “no connection,” which happens when we find ourselves with little or no real connection to key individuals in our lives.

This can happen even when we have people around us. While we may be in relationships, both personally and professionally, we find ourselves with little or no connection to them. We are not understood, fueled, built-up, corrected and challenged in the ways that are necessary for thriving. It could be...

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There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Angry

Uncategorized Apr 01, 2020

Many people conceal their negative feelings of anger, sadness, and fear. These people are unable to cope with good and bad because they have never processed these negative feelings, and they suffer from many problems, such as fear of relationships, depressions, and anxiety as a result. Negative feelings are valid, and they must be dealt with so they won't cause problems.

Anger, our most basic negative emotion, tell us that something is wrong. We tend to protect the good we don't want to lose. Anger is a signal that we are in danger of losing something that matters to us. When people are taught to suppress their anger, they are taught to be out of touch with what matters to them. It is good to feel angry because anger warns us of danger and shows us what needs protecting. But, we are not to be mean or abusive in our attempt to solve a problem. This would mean to resolve it in some unloving way and would ultimately hurt us as well as each other.

Major consequences for denying our...

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The Boundaries.Me Podcast: Dr. Les Carter - Boundaries Around a Healthy Identity

Uncategorized Mar 31, 2020

 

Who are you going to be?

Dr. Les Carter is a therapist and best-selling author of “When Pleasing You is Killing Me” and “The Anger Trip." In this episode of the podcast, he shares with us his story about setting a boundary around staying centered on being himself. Remaining true to ourselves is incredibly hard, but by establishing a boundary around who we are, and who we're going to be to the people around us, it becomes possible. That boundary makes it easier to make adjustments and stay aware of when we diverge from our true selves.

Guest Links

YouTube Channel: Surviving Narcissism 
 

Boundaries.Me Courses Related to this Episode

How to Identify Safe People and Unsafe Behaviors  

How to Stand Up to a Narcissist

 

How to Subscribe to the Boundaries.Me Podcast 

iTunes
Google Play
Spotify 


Need a safe place to relate to others about this topic? Join one of Dr. Henry Cloud's Boundaries Peer Groups.
 

Boundaries in...

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