A List of Toxic People to Set Boundaries With

Uncategorized Jul 27, 2020

As you go through this list, I want you to know that it isn’t exhaustive, but in each one of these relationships, we see common problems with boundaries and those who violate them. Keep this list handy, as it can serve as a resource for you to refer back to when you need a reminder. 

And if you know someone who may benefit from this, feel free to share it!

Common Boundary Violators: 

Your Parents, In-laws and Family of Origin

An Immature Spouse

The Toxic Gaslighter

The Guilt Tripper

The Passive-Aggressive Manipulator

The Narcissist

The Drama Instigator

The Disrespectful Boyfriend/Girlfriend

The Shame Projector

The Toxic Person at Church

The Addict


Also, you can see the full-length version of each one of these videos in the course library on Boundaries.Me. Also, we’ve made SO MANY NEW changes to the site to cater to your personal journey. If you’re not part of the community yet, or you want to give it another try, you’ve got...

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It's Brave to Be Vulnerable

Uncategorized Jul 23, 2020

It felt like I was at Wimbledon watching a tennis match, but instead of a tennis ball that was flying back and forth, it was blame. In tennis, players hit the ball back and forth over the net. In this counseling session with Jeremy and Rachel, one would blame the other, and before the shot ever landed, the other would hit it right back. I felt my head going back and forth, left to right, as they pointed the finger at each other.

This particular “match” was about “his irresponsibility,” as Rachel termed it.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He always lets me down. Every time I depend on him, he doesn’t follow through, and I am left with some situation that is awful and have to clean up the mess. He keeps doing it over and over,” she said.

The “situation” that she was referring to this time was kind of a big one. He had forgotten to pay the light bill and the lights had literally “gone out.” And she was not...

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How to Process Feelings of Anger

Uncategorized Jul 23, 2020

Aspects of the self can be paired with guilt messages, and certainly, anger is one of those. Some people feel guilty whenever they feel themselves getting angry. But there is another problem with anger.

Anger is a state of protest and fight. We are wired with this emotion inside of ourselves to be “against” something. We use anger to fight injustice, unrighteousness, evil, and other bad things. Anger is a problem-solving emotion designed to protect what is good and what is valuable.

But sometimes people have not expressed anger toward bad things that have happened to them because they have happened in a context in which expressing anger would have been dangerous. So these people deny their anger.

The problem is that anger is directional. It has to be aimed at something. It is supposed to be aimed at injustice or the person who is being unfair. But if this is not possible - for example, in cases of child abuse - people will aim the anger at themselves instead. Abused...

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Intimacy is a Necessity, Not a Luxury

Uncategorized Jul 22, 2020

We were created to need a close and intimate relationship not with others. Relationships are the fuel of life. They provide us with acceptance, encouragement, empathy, wisdom, and a host of other relational nutrients. These nutrients keep us healthy and growing. In fact, many studies have shown that people without enough intimate relationships in life have more medical and psychological problems, as well as a higher mortality rate. The songwriters are correct: a lack of love can literally kill you. So however we look at the digital age, we need to make sure that we are getting our relational sustenance. The key is this: whenever you have the opportunity, set a limit on the digital and default to face-to-face.

Intimacy Requires Multiple Levels of Information Exchange

This sounds a bit dry or technical, but it’s true: to be deeply connected in satisfying, safe, and vulnerable relationships, we need to express who we are at many levels and experience others at those same levels....

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How You Know When It's Time to Cut Something From Your Life

Uncategorized Jul 20, 2020

Do a dictionary search on pruning and you’ll discover phrases like this: A function of cutting away to reduce the extent or reach of something by taking away unwanted or superfluous parts.

Wow, if only we would lead and live by definitions! In the simple word pruning is the central theme of what a necessary ending is all about:

Removing whatever it is in our life whose reach is unwanted or superfluous.

In life, executing necessary end­ings is what characterizes people who get results. (1) If an initiative is siphoning off resources that could go to something with more promise, it is pruned. (2) If an endeavor is sick and is not going to get well, it is pruned. (3) If it’s clear that something is already dead, it is pruned. This is the threefold formula for doing well in almost every arena of life.

The areas of your life that require your limited resources — your time, energy, talent, emotions, money — but are not achieving the vision you have for them...

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Make the Most of Your Energy - Say No to the Unimportant

Uncategorized Jul 17, 2020

You need to realize how much time and energy you have, and manage your work accordingly.

Know what you can do and when you can do it, and say no to everything else.
Learn to know your limits and enforce them, as Laurie did. Say to your team or your boss, “If I am going to do A today, I will not be able to do B until Wednesday. Is that okay or do we need to rethink which one I need to be working on?”

Effective workers do two things: they strive to do excellent work, and they spend their time on the most important things. Many people do excellent work but allow themselves to get sidetracked by unimportant things; they may do unimportant things very well! They feel like they are doing a great job, but their boss is upset because essential goals are not being met. Then they feel unappreciated and resentful because they have put out so much effort. They were working hard, but they weren’t placing boundaries on what they allowed to take up their time, and the really...

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When You Set Boundaries, Your Consequences Will Maintain Them

Uncategorized Jul 17, 2020

Danielle had a problem with tardiness. She believed time was like an accordion; the more events you packed into it, the more it would simply stretch to accommodate the activities. As a result, she always planned too many things for a particular time period, thinking she had time to do them, and then ended up half an hour late for the last one. This not only kept her rushed and unable to relax and enjoy life but also inconvenienced her friends who had set aside time to be with her. 

When she joined a support group, she immediately became an active and involved member. She was a caring person and so well liked that when her lateness trait emerged, the group quickly forgave it. In fact, they would wait until she rushed in before they'd start discussing issues. They finally saw that the problem wasn't getting better, so they told her, "Danielle, we care about you, but we're concerned about your tardiness. It's bad for you and for us. So from now on, we're starting on time, whether...

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Addressing Mental Health Goes Beyond Prayer

Uncategorized Jul 15, 2020

 God is a person who does certain things that produce life, over and over again. And, he has created us in his image, able to do those same things. We are to be “like him,” living healthy lives. So, as we grow in his image, doing what he does, healing occurs as a result. I began to understand that salvation equals healing, just as the Greek word implies. Said another way: The more that God helps us to become like him, bearing his image, we get well. So what does that look like?

As I wrote in my book “Changes That Heal,” I think this happens in four basic areas:

First, God is able to form emotional connections. He bonds with the other members of the Trinity, and then with us. He has ongoing, unbroken relationships, and created us to be able to do the same. What we know from science and experience is that disconnection, or emotional isolation and detachment lead to all sorts of emotional and relational problems. From depression, to anxiety, to breakdowns...

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You Don't Have to Get Used to Living in Misery

Uncategorized Jul 15, 2020

Life and business involve pain. Sometimes, creating an ending might cause a little hurt, like pulling a tooth. But it is good pain. If gives life to you or to your business. Similarly, the rosebush snaps back when it gets pruned.

But there is another kind of pain, one that should not be embraced, one that you want to do everything in your power to end. The pain I am referring to is misery that goes nowhere. That is not normal, and when it happens, it is time to wake up. It is time to realize that anytime pain is going nowhere fast, a few things must be occurring.

First, you might have become acclimated to the misery in some way. You have gotten so used to it that you no longer feel it as pain but view it as normal. Pain by nature is a signal that something is wrong, and action is required. So pain should be driving you to do something to end it. But if you are not making moves to end the dull misery of something going nowhere, then you may have told yourself nothing is really...

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Get the Desired Outcome You Want from Setting Boundaries

Uncategorized Jul 12, 2020

In the words of Steven Covey, it’s important to “begin with the end in mind.” Let’s be clear about that here. What is it we are trying to accomplish? The simple answer is this:

Gain control.

We are not trying to gain control of other people or of all the circumstances or even all of the outcomes. Those things will take care of themselves as you gain control of the only thing you can ever control — yourself. As you do that, you will experience the things all of us desire in the integration of work and life.

The irony is that most people are so caught up in trying to control the things they cannot control — other people, circumstances, or outcomes — that in the process they lose control of themselves. And here is the real paradox. It is only when you do take control of yourself that you will begin to have significant influence on those other things: people, circumstances, and outcomes. People in control of themselves do the most to...

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