Why You Struggle With Dating

Uncategorized May 22, 2020

After more than 20 years in the profession of helping people, I have come to understand something: we cause much of our pain by the people we choose. And just to note here, I'm not talking about situations of abuse. Abuse is never, ever your fault. 

In every kind of clinical issue that psychologists deal with, relationships are a big part of the picture in some way. Consider these questions:

  • Are you experiencing the same problems or feelings that you’ve experienced in previous relationships?
  • Do you find that you continually pick people to fall in love with or become close friends with who hurt you in some way?
  • Do you find yourself wondering if there are any “good ones” out there?
  • Do you often go through periods of emotional turmoil as a result of choosing someone who wasn’t good for you?

Is “How did I get myself into this?” a frequent question you ask yourself?

A lot of people can relate to these feelings. Their relationships leave...

Continue Reading...

Take Power Away from Unsafe Family Members

Uncategorized May 22, 2020

Becoming an adult is a process of taking on more and more power and responsibility as we become old enough to handle them. Adults identify with the adult role enough to be able to do grown-up things without conflict, including developing a career, engaging in sexuality, establishing mutual friendships, treating other adults as peers, and having opinions. Adults establish a sense of competence over their lives.

This process of starting as little people and becoming equal with big people begins with bonding, having boundaries and separateness, and resolving good and bad, but ultimately has to do with coming out from under the one-down relationship that a child has to parents and other adults and coming into equal standing as an adult on his or her own. This is the final step of development so that one can exercise their gifts and responsibilities. It is a big leap into adulthood, but we are supposed to become equal with other adults.

Adults make decisions, have opinions, establish...

Continue Reading...

How to Find the Courage to Love Yourself

Uncategorized May 22, 2020
 

Negative thoughts have power. Everyone has them, but you don’t have to grab them and treat them like reality when they come into your mind. One of the most researched and proven techniques of changing moods is to dispute your negative thinking with the truth, and in this call from The Dr. Cloud Show, I talk about how this caller can take steps towards loving herself.

There are two things I tell this caller.

1. Observe what we're saying to ourselves. What are the thoughts I'm saying to myself? Am I respecting my needs when they come up, or how do I talk myself out of them? Get above the negative thoughts and take charge of what you're telling yourself.

2. Get around people who can reinforce positive messages. The word "encourage" literally means to put COURAGE into someone. Who are you going to make part of your good vibe tribe?

If you'd like me to coach you through this, we can work on it together right here. 

Continue Reading...

The #1 Reason Why People Hate Change

Uncategorized May 21, 2020

One of the most important boundaries that people have to establish is against the tendency to put off changes that they know need to be made. If you think about it, much “waiting” and putting off changes has nothing to do with “getting more information,” or “waiting until we get finished with a, b, or c.” Obviously, it’s essential to gather data and do analysis, but many people allow too much lag time between knowing and doing.

I remember once when I had a decision to make regarding a significant investment. I had been reluctant to green light the deal because it was in an area that I was less familiar with than I wanted to be. The truth, however, was that my advisers were experts in this arena, and I really did trust their opinions. Still, I was putting it off. Finally one of them, the lead investor, called me.

“We have to go forward now or it is not going to happen,” he said. “What are you going to do?”

“I...

Continue Reading...

Don’t Let Toxic Family Members Shame You into Compliance

Uncategorized May 20, 2020

Holly was one of the angriest women I had ever seen in my office. She was angry at her family’s excessive expectations of her. Her mother expected her to call her every week and to accompany her on shopping trips. If there was a family function, Holly had to be there. Her father expected her to come home for Sunday dinner. Her brother expected her to come to all of his sporting events.

And if she didn’t, Holly’s family shamed her into submission.

I agreed with Holly that her family’s expectations were extreme, but when I suggested that her family wasn’t going to change and that she had to free herself from their expectations by changing her attitude, she became angry with me. She felt that if I didn’t see her as a victim, I didn’t care. I assured her that while she had indeed been victimized growing up, she had to stop allowing herself to be victimized by freeing herself from both her family’s expectations and her expectations of them....

Continue Reading...

How to Find the Courage To Trust After Being Hurt

Uncategorized May 20, 2020
 

In Episode 24 of The Dr. Cloud Show, we had a caller who wanted to discuss some of the betrayal she's experienced in previous relationships, and how it was affecting her current relationship with her boyfriend.

According to the caller, she said that her boyfriend had not done anything to hurt or betray her a year into their relationship, but she was living with anxiety about the possibility of it happening.

This is something that comes up a lot ... Someone was hurt in a former relationship, and they carry those hurtful experiences into new relationships. They see patterns of a previous mate and the think that those patterns automatically translate into red flags in a new relationship. While that might be true in some instances, I'm going to give you a 5-step checklist to work towards trust in your future relationships.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Does your partner understand your needs?

2. Do you feel like their motives and intentions are for you?

3. Do they have the...

Continue Reading...

Your Boundaries Aren’t a Weapon for Your Parents Use Against You

Uncategorized May 19, 2020

Can you please do something for me? Would it be ok if I asked you for some of your time, your money, your energy? Would you mind making a sacrifice so that I could avoid having to do something that I am perfectly capable of doing myself?

If you're anything like me, you want to say “yes” every time someone asks for something from you. I really want to do whatever is going to make someone happy, and I bet you often feel the same way. However, we know that if we did this, we'd never have any time, money or energy to meet our own needs.

A woman I know, Lisa, once told me, "The biggest problem with telling my mother no is the 'hurt-silence.' It lasts about forty-five seconds, and it always happens after I tell her I can't visit her. It's only broken by my apologizing for my selfishness and setting up a time to visit. Then she's fine. I'll do anything to avoid that silence."

Lisa's mother has turned Lisa's personal boundaries into an offensive weapon that she can use to get...

Continue Reading...

Are You Building The Environment You Want or Just Allowing Things to Happen?

Uncategorized May 19, 2020

Recently I was discussing personnel issues with a CEO. I asked him why he thought those problems were there. He talked about some reasons, most of which had to do with the various players involved, and also the “constellations” of a few teams. But then I asked him a simple question. “And why is that?” I asked.

“What do you mean? I think it is the reasons I just said.”

“I know the reasons you said, but why do those reasons exist?” I continued.

“I don’t get it. What do you mean?” he asked further.

“Who is the leader? Who is in charge of the culture? Who is in charge of the ways that it is working, the fact that all of that exists?” I pushed.

He just looked at me, and nodded. “I am,” he said.

“So what kind of culture would you like?” I asked. “What kind of culture would drive the business forward if you had it?”

When he thought about that, he looked upward, lost in thought...

Continue Reading...

You Can’t Control Everything, but You Can Choose How to Respond

Uncategorized May 18, 2020

I remember one woman whose mother would almost beg to babysit her children and then gripe about the inconvenience for weeks to come. She could not acknowledge that she had chosen to take care of the kids, and her daughter had not "made" her do it.

We negate that we have choices about how we spend our lives and time. We may complain about how bored we are, but do not accept responsibility for learning a new skill or hobby. We may gripe about a "crummy" person at work, but we don't take proactive steps to improve our situation.

There are certainly things in life over which we have no control, but we always have a choice about how we will respond to these things. Our choices determine our direction in life, but if we do not own this fact, we don't know where we are going, and we resent where we end up as if it were someone else's fault.

Complaining and griping without trying to do anything about a situation is the essence of denying choice, and it renders us powerless and resentful....

Continue Reading...

How to Confront a Toxic Parent's Behavior

Uncategorized May 17, 2020

Recently a woman asked, “How can I confront my mom to open up and be more involved in my life?”

“Well, have you asked her?” I responded.

“Sure! I told her that it would be nice if she asked me how my life was going, but she still didn’t do anything.”

“Well, let’s not say that you asked her anything. Call it a suggestion, or maybe a mention of a good idea. But, there was no direct request. If she didn’t respond, you probably need to ratchet it up a bit and say something like, ‘Mom, you rarely ask me about myself; I seem to be the only one asking you about your life. I’d like you to ask me how my work, kids, and activities are doing.’ ”

It is easy to be indirect with parents, given all the emotional complexities involved. Sometimes a person will even think, “She is my mom. She should know I need this without my being blunt about it.” But if what you have said is not getting through, you...

Continue Reading...
Close

50% Complete

Two Step

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.