Pain will bury your heart if you don’t do this

Uncategorized Jul 20, 2018

There is no shortage of things in life that can cause you to bury your heart and soul.

If we are going to invest in our lives, it’s going to take some deep digging inside of ourselves. And to dig deeply means that we must face some fears and obstacles. What can you identify in your life that has caused you to bury your treasure? Was it harsh parents? A tough relationship? A lack of opportunity or resources that caused you to give up? A subculture that put you down? Other people who did not like what you brought from the inside of your heart and soul?

The truth is, that those who succeed in any aspect of life have not allowed those influences to keep their dreams and desires hidden. They have dug them up, faced their fears, taken risks, failed, gotten up again and found that they could indeed build something beautiful.

And I believe you were created to do amazing things in your life. 


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How to Guard Your Heart From Toxicity

Uncategorized Jul 20, 2018

The fruitfulness of our lives will come from our hearts.

Developing our inner selves helps us prioritize our lives. When we look to our inner selves, we begin to be a guardian of our hearts, making sure that they are strong and healthy, because we know that the fruitfulness of our lives will come from our hearts.

Our hearts will determine the “issues” of our lives. And we all have a lot of “issues” in life. We may have dysfunctional relationships, floundering careers, burnout, stress, lost dreams, debt and more. But the truth is that many of those issues come as a result of whether or not we are tending to and guarding our “inside life,” our heart, mind, soul and strength.

I want to show you how to guard your heart.

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Here’s what’s creating the biggest problems in your life

Uncategorized Jul 17, 2018

 

We repeat patterns in our lives without knowing that our pattern is creating the problem.

We could be going back to the same toxic relationships, giving it chance after chance. We could be indulging in the same bad habits that aren’t good for us, thinking it won’t affect us is the same way.

But don’t be discouraged. Strive for progress, not perfection. Go back and look at what could be different — look at what you ultimately have control of, yourself. Research shows that change happens more consistently and lasts longer when our goal is to get better, not perfect. And it get better, that takes time.

When we understand that change is a process, then when we do fall short, we will see it as a necessary part of the path and not as a dead end. We will be able to take a setback in stride and continue going forward. So remember, we’re not aiming for perfection, just progress.

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Telling Yourself to ‘Get Over It' Simply Doesn’t Work

Uncategorized Jul 15, 2018

Paul came into therapy because his wife was frustrated with his emotional distance from the children. As we explored what made it difficult for him to connect with his children, I asked Paul about his own father.

His father was wonderful, Paul told me, and he had always looked up to him. “It seems you and your father did much better together than you and your children are doing,” I said. “I wonder what went wrong.”

“I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with his death.”

“What do you mean?”

“He died when I was 13. He just never woke up one morning. I watched the paramedics come in and take him away under a sheet. Mom never talked about it. My uncle made all the funeral arrangements, but he didn’t talk about it either.” And then he began to cry.

As we continued to work, he began to recognize his anger for the sudden loss of his father. He was resentful that his mother and uncle never helped him through his...

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The Bad Habit That Destroys Relationships

Uncategorized Jul 15, 2018

Playing fair will destroy every relationship in your life.

Fair is giving good things to others as long as they give good things to us. Then if they fail us in some way, we respond “fairly.” We give it right back to them, either at the moment or soon thereafter. Either our words or our actions say, “That’s not fair. Therefore, I am not going to do good to you any more. In fact, I’m going to give you exactly what you’re giving me. Then you can see how it feels.”

The problem is that operating by the principle of playing fair, all it takes for any relationship to go sour is for one person not to perform, then the other one will do the same. There is an interlocking dependency: the other person must be good so I can be good. In this kind of dynamic, we need the other person to be loving in order for us to love them, or to behave maturely in order for us to behave maturely toward them. And no one ever performs perfectly, so that is why all it...

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The Toxic Behaviors You Don’t Have to Tolerate

Uncategorized Jul 12, 2018

Simply put — You get what you tolerate. In text, it can look like a harsh truth, but let me explain.

This phrase holds true whether you are raising a puppy, a child, a direct report or a spouse. (Hopefully you’re not raising a spouse, but it happens.) It holds true when you are negotiating a deal, working with an account, or supervising an employee. It will come into every context of life in some form or another. Many times it is innocent, like in very good relationships. One person will have a habit or practice that is not a problem for him or her, but is a problem for the other person. If the other person tolerates that behavior and does not talk about it, then it will remain in place until the other person finally says, “Excuse me, but you are stepping on my toe.” And in good relationships, the ebb and flow of the relationship is to talk to each other about what you would wish not to have in the relationship, and then you will not have it. That’s...

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A toxic behavior of an unsafe person to watch for

Uncategorized Jul 11, 2018

Safe relationships are centered and grounded in forgiveness. When you have a friend with the ability to forgive you for hurting them or letting them down, something deep occurs in the transaction between you two. The healing process begins to liberate both people of the harm that was done. Guilt, shame, hurt and fear start to dissolve, so receiving forgiveness when we know we’ve truly blown it is a humbling and growth-producing experiencing. It’s the only thing better than forgiving someone else.

On the other hand, an unsafe person who is unable to forgive can be very destructive. Unsafe people are often good at identifying your weaknesses. They can quote the minute and hour you hurt them, and recall the scene in intimate detail and living color. Like a good attorney, they have the entire case mapped out. And you are judged as “guilty.” And while we need to be confronted of our weaknesses, unsafe people, however, confront us not to forgive us, but to condemn...

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Why You Can't Change Your Partner

Uncategorized Jul 07, 2018

Stephanie was in love with Kyle. They were great together. They problem was that they had very different definitions of what “together” meant. For Stephanie, it meant being firmly committed and moving toward marriage. For Kyle, it meant being together when he was around, yet his being free to pursue his sports hobbies whenever he wanted — which took him away on lots of fun trips he wasn’t willing to give up. He loved her, loved being with her, but at this point in his life, he was not the kind of guy to make their relationship as big a priority as sports.

So they were in a battle. They would be together, and it would be great. But then she would want more, he would pull away, she would not like it, and she would begin to exert the pressure. She would say, “I can’t see why he can’t see how great it would be for us to settle down. We could have it all. Why can’t he see that?”

We could have talked for a long time about the reasons...

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How to Deal with Critical People in Your Life

Uncategorized Jul 06, 2018

Several years ago I had spoken at a leadership conference, and I was walking down the hall backstage with a friend of mine, who happened to be the event host. We were talking about the incredible growth and reach of her organization and all the great work it was doing, but something else also came up.

Her organization had its fair share of very vocal critics.

Right before I arrived to speak at this conference, I had read an article about my friend’s organization in a magazine article, and I asked her what she thought of it. Her answer caught be by surprise.

“Can’t say that I’ve seen it. I’ve got other stuff to do and think about.”

Really?” I thought. “You just got blasted by a popular magazine, and it didn’t register?” So, I asked her.

“Really? You just let it go?”

“Overall, yes. I have to do things that my organization depends on me to do. People are going to say what they want, and I have no...

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7 Ways You Can Communicate Better with Your Significant Other

Uncategorized Jul 05, 2018

When we’re having communication problems with someone we care about, it can be frustrating, it can hurt, and it can have us feeling defensive. I’m going to tell you give all of that up, including your pride, and learn to listen to your partner to get to the root of the issue. Here are a few tips.

Focus. Look your partner in the eyes and give all of your attention. Observe your tendency to get out of the connection.

Monitor your thought. As your partner speaks, are you listening or thinking of your response? Are you evaluating what he is saying? Stop that and just allow what your partner is feeling to sink in—to become your experience. Try to get inside his experience and feel what it is like to be him at that moment. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in his shoes.

Respond nonverbally. Are you nodding or saying “hmm,” or something to let her know you are tracking? Let her know you are with her and truly listening.

Watch your defensiveness. If...

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